New baby, life’s ultimate lesson in love…

September 25, 2011 16:22 

I never wanted to have a child. I acquiesced to my wife’s burning desire to be a mom out of my caring for her and what seemed an aching hole to fill that only motherhood could satisfy. My lifelong avoidance and justification for remaining childless ranged from fear to selfishness. Neither of my parents would have won any awards for parental prowess thus the fear of being my dad to some poor newborn. Giving up being able to drop everything at the drop of a hat to travel or go out to meet friends for an unplanned dinner seemed too much to ask, so the selfish side. So there I was at 54 years of age listening to my wife recant her experience of a few moments prior with a pregnancy test kit. I have to admit my blood went a little cold from fear at this news!  All that I could think of was how the hell was I going to deal with raising a child when solidly in middle age. After all, AARP had already been hammering me to join for some time now.

Pregnancy went pretty well but I have to admit that while doctors and technicians seemed happy with what they saw on the sonograms I found little comfort from images that looked little like a baby. Since neither my wife nor I considered the burden that would come from abortion bearable we skipped most of the tests and resigned to allow the Universe to decide if our baby would be whole and healthy or not. 

In late December and a mere 5 or so weeks from my 55th birthday there I was at my daughters delivery and at the ready to cut her umbilical cord. I cut said cord and the nurse cleaned up my new little daughter. I’ll never forget her strong grip on my finger just a handful of minutes after her birth. I had to turn toward the wall lest anyone see the tears in my eyes.  My wife will first learn of this moment at reading this blog entry by the way. 

I’m not saying that the moment of my baby’s birth changed all my feelings in an instant. I went on for a couple of months worried that I may not have the genes to live long enough to get my baby off to a good start. No man in my family has thus far lived past 66 and my little one will only be 11 when I hit 66. By the way, I plan on living well past 66! What about supporting my little family in these uncertain times and so on. This stuff went on for a few months but little by little this little invader had me totally smitten with her. Today I can’t remember any being ever bringing so much to my life, I cant imagine my life without her. She’s an amazing gift and I’ll never be able to express the whole of the gratitude that I feel for her coming into my life…